I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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