If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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