I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
