can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
there is glitter all over my balls
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
