just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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