My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
