turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
