Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
