Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
