i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
