So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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