I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
