I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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