I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
can u get pink eye on your cock?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
