I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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