my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
