just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We got so high we made milksteak
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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