Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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