i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I love you.
Bad choice
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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