I think I won the penis lottery.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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