Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
