that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
