areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
handjob tips. give me some.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
