We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
