so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
