I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
