So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
