Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
