Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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