I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
