have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
