Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
