1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
