i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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