Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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