She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I will die if light touches me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
