i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
