What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
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I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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