I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
