Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.