Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
