so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
pray to the hookup gods
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
