My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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