I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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