i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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