I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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