stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
