Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
