I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My vagina is officially offended.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
