people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
