thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
