I think I won the penis lottery.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
