My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
