ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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