i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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