I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
