I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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