shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
